?

Log in

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Haven't Used LJ in so long.....

Wow, it's been a long time. I've been battling with the worst depression of my life. Still am, some days, although the trouble is beginning to recede.

At least temporarily, I have James living with me. There was a falling-out between him and the people with whom he lives, and it has not yet been resolved, if such a thing is even possible. I don't know how this is going to end up. I don't want to go into details yet - this is barely 12 hours old, and I need to think before I speak.

Have missed so much work this fall due to poor mental health and multiple hospital admissions because of it. Am thoroughly broke. Luckily it's getting closer to Christmas, so my hours have practically doubled, which will give me a chance to pay some bills and break even.

Have made up the argument with Martin, and he has actually admitted that he was in the wrong, and that he's been treating me abysmally. There was a very near tragedy with one of his children this summer, and hearing about it now makes me understand why he acted the way he did. I think he behaved unfairly towards me, but it's at least comprehensible now. We've decided to leave the past in the past, and I'll be seeing him next week for dinner and a movie, which will be nice.

Reading four books at a time right now. I've never really done that before. But I can't concentrate due to depression, so the reading of four books at once actually does help with the scatty concentration.

And now back to bed. It's been a weird and unsettling night.

Comments

( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
gaeln
Nov. 20th, 2013 07:19 pm (UTC)
What are you reading?
allie63
Nov. 21st, 2013 01:05 am (UTC)
1) Stephen Booth, "Blind to the Bones" - mystery series set in Derbyshire, England.
2) "The Letters of Abelard and Heloise", and the volume includes Peter Abelard's brief memoir "The History of my Misfortunes". He really did have some misfortunes.
3) "Gorillas in the Mist" by Dian Fossey
and
4) "Steppenwolf" by Hermann Hesse, which has rather fallen to the bottom of the pile.

What about you? Read anything interesting lately?
gaeln
Nov. 21st, 2013 05:34 pm (UTC)
Unlike you, I take it one book at a time. I just finished 'Mrs. Dalloway' by Virginia Woolf and am currently, and weirdly, reading 'Cosmos' by Carl Sagan. I'd bought the book AGES ago but never read it. A few months ago, I rewatched the TV series and, even though it is old, I decided to finally read the companion book. I just love being inside Sagan's mind and for the most part, what was relevant then remains relevant today. Just some of the science has changed :)

I only know Steppenwolf, when in college, I went through a 'Hesse phase', reading several of his books back to back. I'm not much into mysteries, other than BBC Sherlock :), but the 2nd book you're reading, sounds interesting. Think I'll check it out.

Love your icon!
allie63
Nov. 21st, 2013 06:20 pm (UTC)
My brother went through a Hesse phase in highschool. I remember him practically ecstatic over Magister Ludi, which I think is The Glass Bead Game. I'm struggling with Steppenwolf. It's supposed to be a seminal and important work, but I am not interested in the story. I am going to push through it.

My M.A. in Literature is practically all medieval, and I did a lot of coursework in medieval religion; my B.A. is in English and Religious Studies. Peter Abelard was someone who really got me thinking, as was the entire school of Scholastic philosophers of the 12th and 13th century; Abelard managed to lead the pack in having an interesting personal life as well as many fascinating ideas.

I think I own a copy of 'Cosmos', although I've never read it. Will have to see after this current spurt of books.
cat63
Nov. 20th, 2013 08:09 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear that James has been having difficulties - but on the upside, having him around will be beneficial for you, so, silver lining there….

Surprised, but pleased that Martin has come around.

Glad to hear the black dog is on its way out at last - I hope it'll be gone completely soon.

(In case you're wondering what the heck I'm on about, that's what Winston Churchill used to call his depression, apparently. Yes. ThatWinston Churchill - point that out to any git who tries to tell you that depression means you're weak. Whether you do so before or after you knee 'em in the nuts is up to you ;))

Incidentally, I've just signed up to be a volunteer proofreader for Project Gutenberg and it strikes me that it might be something you'd enjoy when you can concentrate a bit better (although you only have to do one page at a time, so it's not too arduous)
allie63
Nov. 21st, 2013 01:08 am (UTC)
I don't know yet whether James is staying here for a few days or for a longer time. Whatever he decides is the best decision for him will be fine with me. It is nice having him around, though!

I fear that Mr. Black Dog and friends will not be gone until spring, when there is more sunlight. However, I hope you're right.

I am already a volunteer proofreader at Project Gutenberg, and I love it. I have not participated in about 6 weeks due to the depth of depression, but will do so when I have more energy. Right now washing the dishes and doing the laundry are about all I can manage!

cat63
Nov. 21st, 2013 08:21 am (UTC)
I fear that Mr. Black Dog and friends will not be gone until spring, when there is more sunlight.

Bah. Sorry to hear that.

Do you have one of those daylight lamps? I realise you're on a limited income and may not be able to buy one, but it might be worth looking into - I understand they can be quite helpful to some folk who suffer from seasonal depression - maybe you could get a loan of one from a hospital or something?

I am already a volunteer proofreader at Project Gutenberg, and I love it.

Oh cool! :) Maybe I'll see you there when you're feeling up to it :)

I'm enjoying it at the moment. Although I'm still learning of course, I'm astonished at how many of the questions on the forums seem to be the result of people simply not reading the instructions. Rather ironic on a site like that, I feel!

I'm mostly working on a scientific text about marine invertebrates at the moment. The experiments all seem rather cruel, but I can't deny I'm learning things!
allie63
Nov. 21st, 2013 06:13 pm (UTC)
I don't have one of those daylight lamps....next year. There are government initiatives to help pay for them, but they're still too expensive. I need to start taking walks, although I understand that winter light is less able to lift depression than summer light, although I don't know why.

I am at Project Gutenberg as princessofburundi. I've had that second alias for so many years now, and never see it duplicated!

So far I have not edited anything scientific. My choices are classic fiction, juvenile fiction, with the occasional memoir. Some of the didactic 19th century children's stories are awful, painful pieces with instruction in every paragraph, but I enjoy the awfulness!

And yes, it was surprising to have Martin apologize. He likes to be right. I showed him, in a spurt of anger/hurt/evil how it feels to be on the other side of the coin, having the other person not care a damn about your life or the consequences of how you are treating them, and managed to scare the bejeepers out of him. He had no idea that he was messing with things so badly, nor did he have any idea with whom he was messing. I pointed out to him "don't make crazy people angry"!! Is it terrible that I enjoyed scaring him half to death?!
cat63
Nov. 21st, 2013 07:43 pm (UTC)
I am at Project Gutenberg as princessofburundi. I've had that second alias for so many years now, and never see it duplicated!

I'm not surprised - it sounds very individual! I'm just boring old carolh over there :)

So far I have not edited anything scientific.

This was quite useful, as it made me find out where the ae ligature symbol was on the interface (there were a lot of references to medusae, which I think are a sort of jellyfish) :)

There's a version of Dracula up for proofing at the moment, which surprised me - apparently it's a different edition to the one already available.

Is it terrible that I enjoyed scaring him half to death?!

He hurt you pretty badly and frankly I think he needed a kick in the metaphorical pants, so I can't find it in me to blame you for that really.

We all like to be right (I know I do) but we can't be, not all the time and we all have to face that. It's to pleasant, but such is life.

Meanwhile, in order to provide your daily dose of silliness, I proffer Find The Invisible Cow :- http://findtheinvisiblecow.com/




Edited at 2013-11-21 07:44 pm (UTC)
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )